One of my biggest faults (as I've been taught to see it as) is my compassion and empathy for other's. Because of my friendly demeanor, and the aura of happiness I carry around, others like me. I grew up in a family of male's, so I'd rather seek a group of males to be with than females. I don't get along with many females I know, or even in class. They don't like my hoodies and cami's (military); I don't like their tank tops and makeup.
I have a big heart, and everyone who is my friend has a piece. There's not much I can do about that, because my emotions are a part of me.
When I can feel depression from someone else, someone out of place, I have to help them by any means. The "any means" part gets me in trouble. I'm not a submissive person, but I generally like to make people happy, I like to see them smile. I could be in a class room, and in five minutes I know nearly everybody's mood. My face stays blank, and my teachers try to make me smile to no avail.
In the past, I have made myself unhappy just to please someone else. There is a drive in me -that I try to rebel against- that makes me a human pleaser. I make fun of people, but never as a bully. It is against my nature to be a complete bully, there is always a small smile on my face, or in my voice. The occasional times I go too far, I have to do something else to fix it, or I can't sleep.
Because of my compassion, friendliness, and empathy, my Mate (my husband) doesn't like me talking to other males. He doesn't like other's making me smile, he gets jealous, and worried I'll leave him.
Today, he had to go to a competition, leaving me at school by myself. I have no friends... he is my only friend. People that try to be my friend are male's, all of which I am positive have crushes on me. (Except for one old friend Brenden...haven't talked to him since a few months back). So I went through my classes with my head down, and when lunch finally came I went to my locker, then went to sit with my mate's friend and friend's chick friend.
My eyes are the type that change with my mood. I sat, not looking at anything in particular. I didn't speak at all, but when the friend, Ben asked me a question I would just shrug my head or nod. I then looked at him, and we stared into eachother's eyes for at least sixty seconds, and I finally looked away. He continued to eat with his female friend. I could feel him watching me occasionally, concerned.
After a few more minutes of my eyes wondering I looked at Ben and he looked back at me. After another long time of just reading eachothers eyes he asked me what was wrong. I said that there wasn't anything wrong, but I could tell my eye color said otherwise. Because they weren't a sky husky blue, they were dark and greyish.
I needed a hug, but I knew it was against the rules to hug another male. The only nonfamily member I'm allowed to hug is my friend (yet again haven't seen eachother in a long time) who used to be like my sister, Katelyn.
After lunch, and the class following, I saw Ben and broke the rule. I called him over and gave him a quick hug, he was confused, and I gave him a simple explanation, "I needed a hug." He was the first person I had talked to, and school was over half done. The second person I talked to was in math, because my teacher partnered me up with him.
My math partner made me smile, and I made him smile in return. That's when my eyes slowly started to change into a lighter color, but after I was done with partner work, they quickly changed back to "grey gloomy darkness" as my aunt has once told me.
I may be a tough person on the outside, radiating confidence and happiness, but I have two styles, completely different, but ending in the same way. Both ways can get me in trouble.
My main way is being with somebody nearly 24/7. I am normally with somebody at all times, very social. Whether it be my mate, my mom, or other household people. I don't hang out with anyone but my mate along with my mom, because the other's in my house don't fill my needs.
When I am being social I have a large tendency to be physical. I need the contact, otherwise it feels like nothing.
The way I dislike (occasionally dislike) is when I am completely not connected. I will stay in my room, with the lights off, talking to nobody. I will not be social at all in school and I won't even talk to my family at home. I will stay locked in my room for days, or even a week. But once I come out, one of two things will happen. I begin to slowly socialize, or else I become completely hungry for human connection, and will need more hugs, more contact with others physically.
So, that's me.
That's who I hate to be,
But nothing I can change
for it's who I am.
God made me as
who I am supposed to be.
But who I am supposed to be
Is not who other's want me to be.